She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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