Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
