you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
