Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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