How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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