i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
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