I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
