I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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