After last night, I could never be a politician.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
