i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
