did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
