So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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