I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Randomize
