Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
i will never coherently bang her
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
