My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
