...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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