does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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