For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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