M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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