Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
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