I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.