I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
