Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
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