So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
