I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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