she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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