y did u give ur computer a hand job?
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
