i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
