I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
