Porn is love you can see.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
