My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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