i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
