One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
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