I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
