i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
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You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
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Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
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