went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved