Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
