my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
