Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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