I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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