ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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