i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
