it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
