Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Let's get the cat blown out
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
