So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
