Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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