I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
