nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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