Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
being pregnant is like rehab
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
