Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
