Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
