i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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